Waiting

Not one of my strong points. I tend to not be a very patient person. However, I am hoping for good news so I am trying to not think about it and just wait. Had my disability hearing on the 10th of February, so now I am waiting to hear if they granted me disability or not. I would much rather be working, but since that is not possible I need to have some form of income. I am sick of watching my husband work himself to death to try and keep our family a float. We have already lost our house to foreclosure and our tax refund was swallowed up by student loan debt. I am not sure how much more he is going to be able to take! I do not blame him for being frustrated, We started out with the understanding that both of us would be working, the loans were so I could get a better paying job. Had I known then that I would be in this situation, I would have never taken the loans and gone back to school to get my degree.

Denial

I am going to post some things that apparently I have been in denial about:
1. I suffer from severe low self esteem
2. I do not have my shit together as much as I try to convince people I do
3. I cry almost daily.. usually out of frustration at myself or my situation
4. I have attempted suicide in the past
5. I have contemplated suicide recently
6. I do not reach out to others because I do not want to feel like I am inconveniencing or interrupting them- I feel like I am not important
7. I have more pain daily than I admit to anyone, including myself
8. I have panic attacks and anxiety
9. My mind is not as sharp as it used to be making me feel stupid
10. My weight bothers me more than I let on... I am a skinny person trapped in a fat ugly body

I will be trying very hard to try to tackle this list and learn to accept all that I am, inside and out. Accept that my life is what it is and stop comparing it to what it was or even what I wanted it to be.  

Loving Me, Now

Huge hurdle in my journey over came this week-end. I realized that in my efforts to try to meet society's standards of "normal/healthy" that I have been over looking the lessons I have learned and the person I have become. I am a totally different person than I was when I was "skinny", I realize now I do not like who I was then and I have no desire to be that person again. Yes, there are a few health reasons for losing weight, such as lessening the strain on my lower back, but my cholesterol levels are excellent, my blood pressure, and heart rate are text book perfect, I have good A1C readings, as a matter of fact with the exception of Fibromyalgia, osteo-arthritis, Degenerative Disk Disease, and a few mental issues, I am a picture of health. So why do I want the skinny me back? Answer is I don't, not anymore, a few less pounds, would be nice, but I am not stressing about it anymore! I am working instead on loving the me that is in the mirror now, instead of waiting for the one that may never be, and quite frankly hopefully never will be again.

Symptoms of Fibromyalgia

Please share it with anyone else you know who suffers with Fibromyalgia, or think they might.

• Fatigue, made worse by physical exertion or stress
• Activity level decreased to less than 50% of pre-illness activity level
• Recurrent flu-like illness
• Sore throat
• Hoarseness
• Tender or swollen lymph nodes (glands), especially in neck and underarms
• Shortness of breath (air hunger) with little or no exertion
• Frequent sighing
• Tremor or trembling
• Severe nasal allergies (new allergies or worsening of previous allergies)
• Cough
• Night sweats
• Low-grade fevers
• Feeling cold often
• Feeling hot often
• Cold extremities (hands and feet)
• Low body temperature (below 97.6)
• Low blood pressure (below 110/70)
• Heart palpitations
• Dryness of eyes and/or mouth
• Increased thirst
• Symptoms worsened by temperature changes
• Symptoms worsened by air travel
• Symptoms worsened by stress
• Headache
• Tender points or trigger points
• Muscle pain and aches
• Muscle twitching
• Muscle weakness
• Paralysis or severe weakness of an arm or leg
• Joint pain
• TMJ syndrome
• Chest pain
• Lightheaded; feeling “spaced out”
• Inability to think clearly (“brain fog”)
• Seizures
• Seizure-like episodes
• Syncope (fainting) or blackouts
• Sensation that you might faint
• Vertigo or dizziness
• Numbness or tingling sensations
• Tinnitus (ringing in one or both ears)
• Photophobia (sensitivity to light)
• Noise intolerance
• Feeling spatially disoriented
• Dysequilibrium (balance difficulty)
• Staggering gait (clumsy walking; bumping into things)
• Dropping things frequently
• Difficulty judging distances (e.g. when driving; placing objects on surfaces)
• “Not quite seeing” what you are looking at
• Hypersomnia (excessive sleeping)
• Sleep disturbance: unrefreshing or non-restorative sleep
• Sleep disturbance: difficulty falling asleep
• Sleep disturbance: difficulty staying asleep (frequent awakenings)
• Sleep disturbance: vivid or disturbing dreams or nightmares
• Altered sleep/wake schedule (alertness/energy best late at night)
• Depressed mood
• Suicidal thoughts
• Suicide attempts
• Feeling worthless
• Frequent crying
• Feeling helpless and/or hopeless
• Inability to enjoy previously enjoyed activities
• Increased appetite
• Decreased appetite
• Anxiety or fear when there is no obvious cause
• Panic attacks
• Irritability; overreaction
• Rage attacks: anger outbursts with little or no cause
• Abrupt, unpredictable mood swings
• Phobias (irrational fears)
• Personality changes
• Eye pain
• Changes in visual acuity (frequent changes in ability to see well)
• Difficulty with accommodation (switching focus from one thing to another)
• Blind spots in vision
• Sensitivities to medications (unable to tolerate “normal” dosage)

• Sensitivities to odors (e.g., cleaning products, exhaust fumes, colognes, hair sprays)
• Sensitivities to foods
• Painful urination or bladder pain
• Alcohol intolerance
• Frequent urination
• Alteration of taste, smell, and/or hearing
• Prostate pain
• Impotence
• Endometriosis
• Worsening of premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
• Decreased libido (sex drive)
• Hair loss
• Mitral valve prolapse
• Cancer
• Dental problems
• Periodontal (gum) disease
• Aphthous ulcers (canker sores)
• Stomach ache; abdominal cramps
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Esophageal reflux (heartburn)
• Frequent diarrhea
• Frequent constipation
• Bloating; intestinal gas
• Decreased appetite
• Increased appetite
• Food cravings
• Weight gain
• Weight loss
• Difficulty with simple calculations (e.g., balancing checkbook)
• Word-finding difficulty
• Using the wrong word
• Difficulty expressing ideas in words
• Difficulty moving your mouth to speak
• Slowed speech
• Stuttering; stammering
• Impaired ability to concentrate
• Easily distracted during a task
• Difficulty paying attention
• Difficulty following a conversation when background noise is present
• Losing your train of thought in the middle of a sentence
• Difficulty putting tasks or things in proper sequence
• Losing track in the middle of a task (remembering what to do next)
• Difficulty with short-term memory
• Difficulty with long-term memory
• Forgetting how to do routine things
• Difficulty understanding what you read
• Switching left and right
• Transposition (reversal) of numbers, words and/or letters when you speak
• Transposition (reversal) of numbers, words and/or letters when you write
• Difficulty remembering names of objects
• Difficulty remembering names of people
• Difficulty recognizing faces
• Difficulty following simple written instructions
• Difficulty following complicated written instructions
• Difficulty following simple oral (spoken) instructions
• Difficulty following complicated oral (spoken) instructions
• Poor judgment
• Difficulty making decisions
• Difficulty integrating information (putting ideas together to form a complete picture or concept)
• Difficulty following directions while driving
• Becoming lost in familiar locations when driving
• Feeling too disoriented to drive

The high-lighted ones are my most common symptoms. I also suffer frequent bouts of insomnia, and have other physical reasons for some of the pain (advanced degenerative disk disease, and osteo-arthritis). I always wondered why my "normal" body temp was lower than the set standards and why my hands, feet, and nose were always cold, no matter how hot it was outside! According to this list of symptoms, I have had Fibromyalgia since I was a very young girl, well before puberty, which makes a lot of what I went through as a child make sense. It also makes me want to ask why now? Why are we just now finally recognizing Fibromyalgia for the disease it is? What took so long? And why did so many doctors fight for so long telling us it was all in our heads?