Waiting

Not one of my strong points. I tend to not be a very patient person. However, I am hoping for good news so I am trying to not think about it and just wait. Had my disability hearing on the 10th of February, so now I am waiting to hear if they granted me disability or not. I would much rather be working, but since that is not possible I need to have some form of income. I am sick of watching my husband work himself to death to try and keep our family a float. We have already lost our house to foreclosure and our tax refund was swallowed up by student loan debt. I am not sure how much more he is going to be able to take! I do not blame him for being frustrated, We started out with the understanding that both of us would be working, the loans were so I could get a better paying job. Had I known then that I would be in this situation, I would have never taken the loans and gone back to school to get my degree.

Denial

I am going to post some things that apparently I have been in denial about:
1. I suffer from severe low self esteem
2. I do not have my shit together as much as I try to convince people I do
3. I cry almost daily.. usually out of frustration at myself or my situation
4. I have attempted suicide in the past
5. I have contemplated suicide recently
6. I do not reach out to others because I do not want to feel like I am inconveniencing or interrupting them- I feel like I am not important
7. I have more pain daily than I admit to anyone, including myself
8. I have panic attacks and anxiety
9. My mind is not as sharp as it used to be making me feel stupid
10. My weight bothers me more than I let on... I am a skinny person trapped in a fat ugly body

I will be trying very hard to try to tackle this list and learn to accept all that I am, inside and out. Accept that my life is what it is and stop comparing it to what it was or even what I wanted it to be.