Rocky Beginning

We got a call one night just after Thanksgiving that our grandson needed a place to live or he was going to go to foster care. His mom had her parental right stripped by the state of Pa and his dad is deceased. He had been with an aunt through marriage but they got divorced and she decided she no longer wanted to raise him. He has seen a lot a child his age, or any child actually, never should. He has mental issues that stem from some of what he has already experienced in life, as well as clear trauma responses to situations. He has received only negative attention so much I his life that he almost always misbehaves to seek attention. He was also raised with a screen Infront of his face so he doesn't know how to entertain himself with out the TV or a video game. It's almost like he has no imagination. Anyway long story short it has taken several months to figure out what works to curb his behavior and are slowly turning him around and headed down the right path. 

Short honeymoon

My husband's middle son Justin was shot and killed just a few short weeks after we got married. It understandably sent my husband into a severe depression. At first he shut me out not wanting to burden me with his pain. I understood and continued to stay by his side and offer as much help as I could. Every year beginning around our anniversary the depression comes back. It doesn't help that November 12 is my husband's birthday and the 15 is Justin's then come the holidays, it hits him hard until about mid February and by then his seasonal depression is in full swing, well we both get that. However instead of pushing us apart like it does most couples it brings us closer. We cling to each other like a lifeline in the storm. This year we took in Justin's 11 year old son just after Thanksgiving. It has been hard since he looks and acts so much like Justin, but it seems to have given my husband a new focus and his depression lifted much earlier this year. He actually enjoyed Christmas again and his seasonal dressions even seems less this year. Our Grandson comes with a whole passel of issues we have help him to over come but again that might be the blessing my husband needed to help shift his focus. 

Beginning my happily ever after

The moment my eyes met Mike's (now my husband) I felt a special pull. We talked for several hours and he said he had to get home because he promised his dog he wouldn't leave him alone long. I knew he was my people, he treated his dog like family!! So I walked him out to his truck and he asked to see what a hug from me felt like. Well the second his arms wrapped me up I felt my soul sigh and say home! I had never felt such a pure sense of peace and relief before. It actually kind of scared me at first. He gave me his number and said if I ever wanted to hang out or go on a date to just give him a call. I went inside and tried to go to sleep, I just couldn't so when I figured it had been long enough for him to have gotten home I called him. We talked until dawn and made plans to get together later that day. I found a ride to his house on Halloween of 2018 and one day ended up being the rest of my life. We just click on a level deeper than any I have ever felt. He started asking me to marry him in December that year. We tied the knot on September 21, 2019 I wrote my own vows and ended with in this life and the next, because I feel not even death can part us!!

Bumps in the road

I met several men after leaving my husband one was 18 years younger the other 20 years older. I dated both off and on over the next 2 years. Also during that time I moved from my dad's to my brother's. He knew I was fighting for my disability so he said I could live rent free as long as I helped with household chores, which I did for 6 months. He kicked me and his daughter out when he decided to move his new girlfriend and her son's to the house. We got an apartment together, for the first year. Then I moved a camper into on my brother's property. One night in mid October that year my male friend who was 20 years older died. My brothers girlfriend was there to help me through the tough times. She also introduced me to a widower friend of hers.

Ending is just a beginning

 I married my first husband for reasons other than love. I felt I had no other choice. If I didn't he could take our son away from me and I couldn't let that happen. Fast forward 16 years and I knew my son would be okay if I left, but I chose to stay. One day my son told me "mom I know you are miserable here with dad. I also know you stay because of me. That makes me feel guilty because if not for me you could go be happy". That was when I realized that the end had finally come for this chapter in my story. I moved in with family and continued to work on getting my disability and finding my true self, beginning the next chapter in my story!

Life Changes

 It's funny how much life can change in just a few short years. I am now working on marriage number 2. I have 4 wonderful step children, one of which is has now got his Angle Wings. A handful of grandkids, one of which now resides with my hubby and I. And I am happier than I ever thought I could be! 

 Yes I still have a passel of mental and physical illnesses/diseases. I am still trying to come to terms with how each one impacts my life. However I now choose to live that life in whatever capacity I can. I choose not to be defined by my limitations. Rather I choose to define myself based on what I can do and the strengths of my character. 

 I will be filling in the gaps and explaining how I got here over the next several days. I don't want to dwell long on the past but it is important to understand that it wasn't an overnight thing. While I am much more accepting of things as they are I still have a long way to go with making peace with it all. 

Waiting

Not one of my strong points. I tend to not be a very patient person. However, I am hoping for good news so I am trying to not think about it and just wait. Had my disability hearing on the 10th of February, so now I am waiting to hear if they granted me disability or not. I would much rather be working, but since that is not possible I need to have some form of income. I am sick of watching my husband work himself to death to try and keep our family a float. We have already lost our house to foreclosure and our tax refund was swallowed up by student loan debt. I am not sure how much more he is going to be able to take! I do not blame him for being frustrated, We started out with the understanding that both of us would be working, the loans were so I could get a better paying job. Had I known then that I would be in this situation, I would have never taken the loans and gone back to school to get my degree.