Loving Me, Now

Huge hurdle in my journey over came this week-end. I realized that in my efforts to try to meet society's standards of "normal/healthy" that I have been over looking the lessons I have learned and the person I have become. I am a totally different person than I was when I was "skinny", I realize now I do not like who I was then and I have no desire to be that person again. Yes, there are a few health reasons for losing weight, such as lessening the strain on my lower back, but my cholesterol levels are excellent, my blood pressure, and heart rate are text book perfect, I have good A1C readings, as a matter of fact with the exception of Fibromyalgia, osteo-arthritis, Degenerative Disk Disease, and a few mental issues, I am a picture of health. So why do I want the skinny me back? Answer is I don't, not anymore, a few less pounds, would be nice, but I am not stressing about it anymore! I am working instead on loving the me that is in the mirror now, instead of waiting for the one that may never be, and quite frankly hopefully never will be again.

Symptoms of Fibromyalgia

Please share it with anyone else you know who suffers with Fibromyalgia, or think they might.

• Fatigue, made worse by physical exertion or stress
• Activity level decreased to less than 50% of pre-illness activity level
• Recurrent flu-like illness
• Sore throat
• Hoarseness
• Tender or swollen lymph nodes (glands), especially in neck and underarms
• Shortness of breath (air hunger) with little or no exertion
• Frequent sighing
• Tremor or trembling
• Severe nasal allergies (new allergies or worsening of previous allergies)
• Cough
• Night sweats
• Low-grade fevers
• Feeling cold often
• Feeling hot often
• Cold extremities (hands and feet)
• Low body temperature (below 97.6)
• Low blood pressure (below 110/70)
• Heart palpitations
• Dryness of eyes and/or mouth
• Increased thirst
• Symptoms worsened by temperature changes
• Symptoms worsened by air travel
• Symptoms worsened by stress
• Headache
• Tender points or trigger points
• Muscle pain and aches
• Muscle twitching
• Muscle weakness
• Paralysis or severe weakness of an arm or leg
• Joint pain
• TMJ syndrome
• Chest pain
• Lightheaded; feeling “spaced out”
• Inability to think clearly (“brain fog”)
• Seizures
• Seizure-like episodes
• Syncope (fainting) or blackouts
• Sensation that you might faint
• Vertigo or dizziness
• Numbness or tingling sensations
• Tinnitus (ringing in one or both ears)
• Photophobia (sensitivity to light)
• Noise intolerance
• Feeling spatially disoriented
• Dysequilibrium (balance difficulty)
• Staggering gait (clumsy walking; bumping into things)
• Dropping things frequently
• Difficulty judging distances (e.g. when driving; placing objects on surfaces)
• “Not quite seeing” what you are looking at
• Hypersomnia (excessive sleeping)
• Sleep disturbance: unrefreshing or non-restorative sleep
• Sleep disturbance: difficulty falling asleep
• Sleep disturbance: difficulty staying asleep (frequent awakenings)
• Sleep disturbance: vivid or disturbing dreams or nightmares
• Altered sleep/wake schedule (alertness/energy best late at night)
• Depressed mood
• Suicidal thoughts
• Suicide attempts
• Feeling worthless
• Frequent crying
• Feeling helpless and/or hopeless
• Inability to enjoy previously enjoyed activities
• Increased appetite
• Decreased appetite
• Anxiety or fear when there is no obvious cause
• Panic attacks
• Irritability; overreaction
• Rage attacks: anger outbursts with little or no cause
• Abrupt, unpredictable mood swings
• Phobias (irrational fears)
• Personality changes
• Eye pain
• Changes in visual acuity (frequent changes in ability to see well)
• Difficulty with accommodation (switching focus from one thing to another)
• Blind spots in vision
• Sensitivities to medications (unable to tolerate “normal” dosage)

• Sensitivities to odors (e.g., cleaning products, exhaust fumes, colognes, hair sprays)
• Sensitivities to foods
• Painful urination or bladder pain
• Alcohol intolerance
• Frequent urination
• Alteration of taste, smell, and/or hearing
• Prostate pain
• Impotence
• Endometriosis
• Worsening of premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
• Decreased libido (sex drive)
• Hair loss
• Mitral valve prolapse
• Cancer
• Dental problems
• Periodontal (gum) disease
• Aphthous ulcers (canker sores)
• Stomach ache; abdominal cramps
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Esophageal reflux (heartburn)
• Frequent diarrhea
• Frequent constipation
• Bloating; intestinal gas
• Decreased appetite
• Increased appetite
• Food cravings
• Weight gain
• Weight loss
• Difficulty with simple calculations (e.g., balancing checkbook)
• Word-finding difficulty
• Using the wrong word
• Difficulty expressing ideas in words
• Difficulty moving your mouth to speak
• Slowed speech
• Stuttering; stammering
• Impaired ability to concentrate
• Easily distracted during a task
• Difficulty paying attention
• Difficulty following a conversation when background noise is present
• Losing your train of thought in the middle of a sentence
• Difficulty putting tasks or things in proper sequence
• Losing track in the middle of a task (remembering what to do next)
• Difficulty with short-term memory
• Difficulty with long-term memory
• Forgetting how to do routine things
• Difficulty understanding what you read
• Switching left and right
• Transposition (reversal) of numbers, words and/or letters when you speak
• Transposition (reversal) of numbers, words and/or letters when you write
• Difficulty remembering names of objects
• Difficulty remembering names of people
• Difficulty recognizing faces
• Difficulty following simple written instructions
• Difficulty following complicated written instructions
• Difficulty following simple oral (spoken) instructions
• Difficulty following complicated oral (spoken) instructions
• Poor judgment
• Difficulty making decisions
• Difficulty integrating information (putting ideas together to form a complete picture or concept)
• Difficulty following directions while driving
• Becoming lost in familiar locations when driving
• Feeling too disoriented to drive

The high-lighted ones are my most common symptoms. I also suffer frequent bouts of insomnia, and have other physical reasons for some of the pain (advanced degenerative disk disease, and osteo-arthritis). I always wondered why my "normal" body temp was lower than the set standards and why my hands, feet, and nose were always cold, no matter how hot it was outside! According to this list of symptoms, I have had Fibromyalgia since I was a very young girl, well before puberty, which makes a lot of what I went through as a child make sense. It also makes me want to ask why now? Why are we just now finally recognizing Fibromyalgia for the disease it is? What took so long? And why did so many doctors fight for so long telling us it was all in our heads?

First steps...

In my effort to unplug from technology and reconnect with more personal touches I have sent out the first birthday cards I ever mailed! I am typically Horrible at remembering Birthdays. I found a free printable birthday list organizer and I am contacting family and friends trying to get it filled in and making sure not to forget anyone (I hope), as well as gathering physical addresses. I have already rounded up a few cards for birthdays, thank yous, get well, thinking of yous, and weddings, so I am ready for any surprise occasions! I have also started to think about how to approach my goal of self acceptance this coming year. I believe in positive reinforcement, so I am hand writing myself a lot of little "you are ..." kind of notes, that I can post all over the house. I have a poem hanging by my bathroom mirror that I will say out loud to myself each time I walk by the mirror. I am also going to try to stop thinking in terms of what I can no longer do and be thankful for what I can still do. I have a large jar sitting on the counter that my family is calling our "stop self hate" jar, any time any of us speak negatively about ourselves or our "limitations" we have to put money in the jar, and it will all be donated to local businesses to "pay it forward" for those who are less fortunate.

Communication

In these times off cell phones, tablets, and other mobile devices, we seem to be connected 24/7, but are we really communicating with each other? To me it seems the answer is no, the more "connected" we are with technology the less connected we are with who and what is around us. Face to face communication with people in the same room has been replaced with texting. Family time seems a thing of the past as everyone rushes to check for the latest text, FaceBook post, e-mail, tweet, instagram pic, or whatever the latest "must be in on" craze is. Toddlers are even becoming gadget savvy and glued to portable screens! My wish for the new year is that families, and even individuals, take the time to unplug and have more face to face conversations, get out doors and experience life instead of watching someone else doing it on YouTube.

Hand Written Sentiments

Well another weekend comes to a close. It has been a fairly good week. I visited with an friend I have not seen in YEARS! We laughed and talked for hours. I made another goal for next year. I am going to try to send hand written sentiments through the "snail" mail to family and friends. I have saved free printable stationery to my computer to use, and I am trying to make a birthday calendar so I can get at least a birthday card to everyone. I might even buy sets of stationery to the ones that might be interested in returning hand written sentiments. I just feel that we spend too much time sitting in front of screens and not enough time really connecting with each other. I know I still get excited when a hand addressed envelope comes in the mail, I am sure others will feel the same way.

Setting New Years Goal

It is almost the end of the year. I am looking forward to a new beginning next year. I will be focusing on acceptance again this year, but a less broader selection, this year I am working on accepting myself as I am, also known as self-esteem. I know that I will never be a skinny as I was in high-school, and that is okay, now I am working on being okay with whatever weight I am at. I have thrown out my scale and have clothes in several sizes both bigger and smaller than my current size. I will try to eat as healthfully as I can but I am not going to stress out over every little food decision.